The Aquarium
by icicle33
Summary: Brian contemplates proposing to Justin. Again. He spends some father-son bonding time at the Pittsburgh Aquarium with Gus. Written for the Pride in the Pitts fest on Livejournal and as a gap filler for episode 5.11. Pairings: Brian/Justin


_**Title:** The Aquarium_  
_**Author:** icicle33_  
_**Character/Pairing:** Brian, Gus, background Brian/Justin_  
_**Rating:** T_  
_**Wordcount:** ~3400_  
_**Warnings:** AU, adult language, flangst_  
_**Summary:** Brian contemplates proposing to Justin. Again. He spends some father-son bonding time at the Pittsburgh Aquarium with Gus._  
_**Author's Note:** This story can be seen as a gap filler or a series of deleted scenes from episode 511(before Brian takes Justin to Britin and proposes.) For the purpose of this fic, I'm altering cannon events, so pretend that Mel and Lindsay have already spoken with Brian about their plans to move Gus and JR to Toronto. A special thank you to my beta, **ashiiblack**, you're a star._

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_**The Aquarium**_

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**~8~8~8~**

_I love you. Marry me? _God, what had he been thinking? This was ridiculous, insane really. A momentary lapse of judgment. That was all.

Brian's fingers twitched in spasm, a sharp spasm that didn't even feel to be his own. It was as if he could feel his—no, never mind that was absurd. Brian scoffed; it was true that he hadn't slept well, hadn't slept a full night in God knows how long, but that shouldn't matter. It didn't change things. Lack of sleep and one too many cigarettes had never resulted in _this_ before. Opening and closing his hands, _once, twice, three times_, the jitter seemed to pass. _Finally._

With a steadier hand, he reached into the left front pocket of his pants, tired fingers enclosing a familiar bottle—square bottom, round top, smooth finish. He came prepared, of course. It was going to be a long afternoon, had been a long week, and this would help him take the edge off—until he could get something stronger that is. Until tonight.

Still fingering the small bottle in his pocket, Brian leaned against the glass tank, pressing his face against it like a caged animal or perhaps a stubborn fish. He laughed—a dark, manic chuckle that if anyone else had been in the room with him— he would have scared off the small children, especially while being inside the shark's den.

"Fuck," he said to no one in particular, gazing into the vast shark tank. How had things gotten to this point? Brian Kinney, Pittsburgh's most sought after fag, was spending Saturday afternoon in the god damn Pittsburgh Aquarium. _Pathetic_. There were no other words.

Years ago, he wouldn't have been caught dead here. Hell, even weeks ago, he wouldn't have been caught dead here. He used to have better things to do. But then again, they all had. Before the deaths. Before the hate. The pain. Before Michael had almost gotten himself blown up and before Mel and Lindsay wanted to take his son away, hide him away in fucking Canada. Before he had lost his mind and tried to propose to Justin.

What had he been thinking ? Yes, he cared for Justin, more than cared, loved as he had confessed the other night, but that didn't change anything. Brian had always hated marriage, despised it really, and now he was going to give that up just for a piece of blond boy ass? A rather fine ass, the finest, he might even argue, but that didn't mean he had to marry him. They were fags. Not breeders. Why did Justin always have to make things so complicated?

Still staring into the shark tank, Brian watched the elegant creatures swim around. Sharks were strong, fast, hungry. He liked sharks, found them fascinating, especially because he thought they were the perfect animal, the perfect predator. In his own way, Brian thought himself to be a kind of shark; he was a shark in the office, always had been, and he was the top stud of Liberty Avenue for so many years now, Pittsburgh's hottest queer. Still, as much as he liked to ignore it, he couldn't continue being Pittsburgh's stud forever. Slowly, he was being replaced, and it was only a matter of time before he was overthrown. And then what would he do? What would he have, especially now that Babylon was gone?

_Justin_, a small voice in the back of his mind insisted. He hated that voice, his conscience, who sounded eerily like Debbie. He had ignored it for so long, but now all he felt was confusion. No matter how he looked at things, he was screwed and not in the way that he wanted. Even if somehow he did want Justin, it didn't matter. Justin had already denied his proposal. There was no way he was going to ask a second time or beg. He was Brian Kinney for fuck's sake. He had standards and principals. No, as much as it pained him, as miserable as he was, it would be better if he just forgot about this absurd idea of marrying Justin, forgot about the black box in his right pocket.

Besides, this afternoon was for his son. That is if Lindsay actually bothered to show up. After last night, he doubted it.

******~8~8~8~**

"Don't worry, sweetie, Mommy's here. And those sharks are behind glass. They can't hurt you. No need to be scared."

Brian turned around just in time to meet stunned blue eyes and a mop of messy, brown hair, hiding behind his mother's leg.

"Brian?"

Brian blinked. "Linz?" He pushed the bottle further into his pocket and wrapped his leather jacket tighter around himself. If Lindsay saw the bottle, if she even suspected he was the slightest bit intoxicated, then there was no way she would let him stay with Gus. And right now, he needed this. More than anything.

"What are you doing here?" Lindsay asked, her voice lilting and pale cheeks flushing.

"Daddy! Daddy!" A small blur scurried over toward him and threw his arms around Brian's knees, squeezing surprisingly tight for a small child.

Brian smiled at his son's overt display of affection. "Hey there, Sonny Boy." Gus might look just like him, especially at that age with his long hair and bony knees, but his personality was all Linz. Thank God. Once he was able to pry Gus off his leg, Brian locked eyes with Lindsay.

"Bri?"

Brian rolled his eyes and snorted. "What do you think I'm doing Linz…waiting for a haircut?" He paused, never once unlocking his gaze from hers. "You _know _why I'm here." His voice was soft now, his usual edge absent.

Lindsay sighed and the troubled look on her face softened. She stepped closer to Brian and placed a tentative hand on his arm. "I know we planned to go to the zoo today. For you and Gus," she looked over at her son and smiled, her smile filled with so much love and motherly affection that it made Brian's stomach turn, "to spend the day together. But I just assumed after everything that happened," she paused, "and after our _discussion _last night…that you wouldn't be up for it."

Brian scoffed. Discussion, yeah right, that one was one way of putting it. More like fucking nightmare of an argument. "He's still my son, Lindz. So before you ship him away half across the world, I'd like to spend the afternoon with him." Brian cocked an eyebrow in challenge. "If that's okay with you, of course? I wouldn't want to_ impose _after all. Since I have no rights as Mel made all too clear last night."

"Yeah!" Gus looked up with wide eyes, first at him and then at Lindsay and beamed. "Oh, please, Mommy! I want to stay with Dad. Pretty please."

Brian smirked, that wicked half-smirk of his, which he knew drove Lindsay absolutely crazy. He might be exhausted, but at least he wasn't losing his touch. Not yet anyway.

"Oh, fine." Lindsay sighed again and shook her head. "Just behave for your father." Lindsay ruffled Gus' hair and then looked at Brian seriously. "Take care of him," she said, a note of warning in her voice. "And make sure he's home for dinner."

After placing a quick kiss on Gus' cheek and squeezing Brian's arm, Lindsay turned on her heel and left, her hideous shoes echoing behind her.

"So Sonny Boy," Brian said, turning to his son with the biggest smile he could muster and ignoring the patter of Lindsay's ugly shoes, "what do you want to see first?"

**~8~8~8~**

They had seen the Gentoo Penguins, King Penguins, Macaroni Penguins (Gus had a strange obsession with penguins), sea turtles, star fish, sting rays, sharks, and eels. Then they ate lunch and made some serious damage in the gift shop, leaving Brian exhausted, beyond exhausted really, and he needed to sit down. Now, all he had to do was convince Gus.

"Listen up, Sonny Boy, it's my turn to pick an exhibit now. If I have to see another type of fu—_furry _penguin than your old man is going to pull out all his hair."

Gus laughed, looking up at Brian with amusement in his hazel eyes. Sometimes, Brian still found it disconcerting to see a pair of his own eyes staring at him, dissecting him. "You would look funny without hair….and penguins aren't furry, Dad." He sniggered again and then screwed his face into a serious expression—a look that Brian had seen on his own face much too often. "They have _feathers_."

Brian snorted, attempting to keep his own face as stoic as possible, but a smirk was tugging on his lips. "Ahh." He leaned over, closing the distance between them before Gus could protest, and Brian picked Gus up, throwing him over his shoulder. "Feathers or not," he said, noticing that his son was getting heavier than the last time he had carried him, "I want to see some fish."

Honestly, Brian could not care less about the damn fish; they were all the same to him, so he just dragged Gus into the closest exhibit—a room full of tropical fish and coral. Luckily, they were the only spectators in the room. Sighing much louder than necessary, Brian plopped Gus onto the closest bench, right in the middle of the viewing area, and tickled his stomach.

"Alright, Sonny Boy, relax for a while. Your old man needs a break."

Gus frowned at him, pouting his bottom lip in a rather convincing protest, but he nodded anyway.

_Thank God. _The last thing Brian needed was for his son to throw a tantrum. Although as he regarded Gus closely, watching him dangle his small legs off the bench, swinging them almost violently, he realized that his son was actually well behaved for such a young child. He might have so much energy that it made Brian dizzy on a good day, but Gus never begged, screamed, and whined the way that Claire's monsters always did. He supposed that Lindsay was strict in teaching him proper manners and behavior; after all, she had been such a good, little WASP for so much of her life. Well, until she met him that is and college. She was spunky then. It was what had drawn him to her in the first place. And her insane talent, of course. Lindsay had more talent in one finger than most people had in their entire bodies—well, except for Just…

"Daddy, I'm tired!" Gus announced, scooting closer to Brian on the bench and pulling him out of his thoughts.

Brian chewed his bottom lip, nibbling on it until it was swollen. Fuck, he had just gotten comfortable; he wasn't ready to get up and carry his son all the way to the car. "Do you want to go home then?"

"No!" Gus let out a high-pitched shriek and Brian couldn't help but wince at the shrill sound.

"Alright." He locked eyes with his son and raised an eyebrow. "What do you want to do then? And please don't make that sound again."

"Mmmm," Gus said, pretending to be deep in thought, his little hand under his chin and forehead scrunched. "This!" Gus squeaked. Before he could respond, Brian had a lap full of Gus, small hands wrapped around his waist, as Gus snuggled in closer to him and hid his face in Brian's chest. Brian gasped.

"You're comfy, Daddy," Gus mumbled into his chest. "And now you have to play with my hair…like Mommy does."

Brian was stunned; he stared down at the small boy in his lap, _his son_, and just blinked. For once, he was speechless. Utterly speechless. Yes, it was true that he loved his son, even if he didn't say it. And in the last few days, after _everything _that happened, he realized that he did want to spend more time with his son. Someone needed to teach him how to pick out an Armani suit and how to shoot a killer penalty shot. But this, having a son whom looks like a miniature version of himself, but craves so much physical affection just stumped him. He loved that his son was so open and pure. Things that he could never dream of being or even want to be, but at the same time, just because he had vowed to spend more time with his son, didn't mean that he could actually be a good father. Hell, it's not like he had anything to compare it to. There's no way he could take any parenting tips from Jack. If Brian would have had the audacity to climb on Jack's lap and demand affection, Brian was sure that his request would have been met with a slap to the face and a kick in the gut.

"Dad! Hair!" Gus snuggled in closer to Brian's chest and Brian held his breath. Clearly, Gus was not taking no for an answer, so he needed to make a choice. Running a tentative hand through Gus' hair, Brian released his breath. His hand felt shaky again, the same tremor threatening it as before, but it didn't stop him. Slowly, Brian continued to play with Gus' hair. This wasn't so bad at all. Actually, he quite enjoyed it, and maybe he _could_ do it—be the father that Gus needed, the father that he never had. Gus was sighing contently under his gentle touch, leaning in to it and almost purring like a cat. He had a content, relaxed look on his face, and Brian had to admit that it was adorable. Not that he would ever say it aloud. He doubted that he ever had _that _look on his face at Gus' age. Fuck, he barely had_ that_look on his face now, unless it was post orgasm, of course.

Still caressing Gus' hair, Brian leaned over his son, bending close to his ear and whispered, "Gus, son, you know I—"

His throat closed up, mouth dry, as he tried to explain to his son—the son he never wanted but treasured all the same—how he felt about him, how he loved him. Unfortunately, he never got the chance. He must have leaned over too far because the small velvet box that had resided in Brian's right pocket fell to the floor in a soft clunk. Brian tried to reach out and snatch the box before Gus noticed it, but his son must have acquired his fast reflexes as well and was off his lap and seizing the box before Brian even stood up.

"Wow." Gus cradled the black box in his hand and looked up at Brian expectantly. "It's a ring."

Brian blanched and gawked at his son. "What? No, it's just a box. Now give it back, Gus." He used his son's name in hopes to show his son that he was actually serious, but Gus didn't seem to understand his hint.

Ignoring his comment, Gus popped open the ring box, his wide smile faltering once he noticed it was empty. "But where's the ring?"

Brian sighed and ran a hand through his hair. How could he explain this to his son? Gus wouldn't understand; he was only a child and a young one at that. Besides, Brian wasn't even sure why he was carrying around that box. Hadn't he already closed that issue?

"It's for Justin," Gus said. It was a statement and not a question.

"What?"

"The ring. You need a ring for Justin, Daddy."

Brian blinked at his son and stared at him in awe. "Why would I get Justin a ring?" he asked, his voice unsteady and strained.

Tilting his head back, Gus giggled. "Because Daddy, you love him…just like Mommy and Mama love each other. You give people you love rings and get married." He was still using that same matter-of-fact tone. Brian found it irritating, probably because it reminded him too much of Mel.

"And—where did you hear this, son?"

This time, Gus sent him what Brian was certain was his very own "oh-please" look, a look that he had perfected after all these years. It looked strange on Gus' face and Brian scowled back. How had his son picked up his expressions so soon?

"In school, Daddy," Gus explained. "Come on. Miss Evelyn read us a story with two penguins that bring each other rocks and then they get married and have baby penguins."

Brian sniggered. "I see."

Gus snapped the ring box opened and closed several times, and then looked up at Brian again. "So when are you going to get a ring for Justin?"

"I-I-" Brian closed his eyes for a moment and composed himself. His son was a child. He didn't know what he was asking; he was just fueled by healthy curiosity. There was no reason to panic. "What makes you think that Justin wants a ring?"

Gus sighed, an exasperated sigh that was much too dramatic for a small boy. "Because he loves you, Daddy. And you love him."

"But—"

"No, Daddy. It's easy. You love him and he loves you. You get him a ring and he'll smile real big and then you get married. Like the penguins!"

Brian pursed his lips and studied his son again, as if he were looking at him for the very first time. Was it really that simple? He did love Justin and he had asked him to marry him, even if it was only a half-assed proposal. He closed his eyes and pictured Justin rewarding him with one of his heart stopping Sunshine smiles as he bent down on one knee and proposed, for real, with an elegant ring in hand. Yes, Justin had turned down his first proposal, but it had been so forced and informal. No, his sunshine had always craved romance. If Brian wanted Justin to take his proposal seriously, then he needed to do it right and spectacularly with a touch of romance—even if the thought of romance usually turned his stomach.

He replayed that night in his head again, that _dreaded _night, when he thought he lost Justin, when he almost lost Michael. Under no circumstances, could he face that again, that fear, that emptiness. Twice now, he had almost lost Justin and he was damned if he was going to let that happen again. Somehow his son, his 4-year-old son, was right and wiser than his father. It could be that simple if Justin actually agreed to marry him because then Brian knew that he could spend the rest of his life with Justin and never grow tired of him. He hadn't tired of him in years, so what were the chances that he would tire of him later? The twat had annoyed his way into Brian's life and heart, and now, there was no way that he could let go—not without knowing he tried everything possible to keep him.

Slowly, he opened his eyes and stared at his son, waiting for him to respond with an impressive amount of patience. "You're right, Sonny Boy," Brian said after a long silence. "I need a ring for Justin."

Gus cheered so loudly that Brian was sure the entire aquarium heard him.  
"When you're finished jumping there," he said with a smirk, "perhaps you want to help your old man pick out a ring?"

Gus' eyes grew wide and he nodded his head. "Yes!" He latched onto Brian's leg and hugged him. "You're the best, Daddy! I love you."

Brian bowed his head and looked down at his son, who was staring at him with a besotted expression. Somehow, even though Brian had been absent for most of his son's life, Gus still adored him. He knew that he didn't deserve his son's blind adoration, but perhaps now that he was turning his life around, starting new beginnings, then he could be more like the man his son believed him to be, the father he wanted to be.

With a weak smile forming on his lips, Brian ruffled Gus' hair and said the words that for most of his life he had secretly yearned to hear. "I love you too, Sonny Boy."

Gus gave him another brilliant smile and held his hand out for Brian, which Brian happily took. "Now come on, Sonny Boy, I have to call your mother and tell her you're going to be late for dinner. You and I have a ring to pick out."

Hand in hand, Brian walked out with his son—first out of the tropical fish exhibit and then the aquarium, the small bottle in his pocket completely forgotten.

**~Fin**

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**A/N:** Thanks so much for reading! This was my first venture into the QAF fandom, so try not to be too hard on me. I hope to write more. Should I write a sequel that's B/J?

Comments are love.

~Icicle


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